Christian Life 38 - On Anger

 I believe I've mentioned previously in this blog that the recent journey chronicled herein began a few years ago when my lovely bride sat me down for a "come to Jesus" meeting over my anger issues.  I was taken aback by this.  I was unaware that I had any anger issues.  As she talked, I began to realize that a number of the specific episodes in which she thought I was angry, I was actually, in my own mind, either indignant or just keenly focused.  Of course, this was my bride speaking, and she wasn't holding the matter up for discussion, so I decided that I'd better listen.  Thus the genesis of this blog.

Someone told me today about an episode they'd had at work that sounded all too familiar.  When they finished explaining  about being reprimanded for being "angry with customers" when, in fact, they were only trying to stay focused during a busy moment, I shared the following piece of advice from my own recent learning: when someone accuses you of being angry, and you can't understand it because, in your mind, you're just being focused, it's because you're really angry and trying not to admit it.

As we've learned, any thought or emotion can be conquered simply by taking the time to analyze, understand and meditate on it.  So, why do we get angry?  What's the difference between "angry" and "focused?"  Is it okay to be angry sometimes, and, if so, when is anger appropriate and when is it not?

Taking these questions completely out of order, William Barclay, in his commentary on the Beatitudes, writes "...we may say as a general rule of life that it is never right to be angry for any insult or injury done to ourselves; that is something no Christian must ever resent; but that it is often right to be angry at injuries done to other people." (Daily Study Bible Series, V. I, p. 91)  While I find this sentiment to be quite noble, I'm not sure that I totally concur.  In his Sermon on the Mount, Jesus says “You have heard that it was said to our people long ago, 'You must not murder anyone. Anyone who murders another will be judged.’ But I tell you, if you are angry with a brother or sister,  you will be judged. If you say bad things to a brother or sister, you will be judged by the council. And if you call someone a fool, you will be in danger of the fire of hell." (Matt. 5:21-22)  As usual with the Teacher, that's a pretty tall order.  I will attempt to explain my position with a story.

I have a very dear friend who is gay.  (Actually, after 45 years in the entertainment business, at least half of my friends are gay.  It is only for purposes of this story that it matters.)  I often find him both in person and on social media expressing a great deal of rage toward the current trend in America of re-oppressing the LGBTQ community after several decades of advancement.  Now, I do not disagree with my friend on this matter; quite the contrary.  But I have noticed an interesting dichotomy.  We talk of many subjects other than this one, and when the conversation turns to topics such as the oppression of women in the Middle East or the oppression of children in Western Africa, my friend readily agrees that these situations are also egregious and worthy of our prayers, considerations and protests.  However, I notice a distinct difference in tone when these other examples are mentioned.  His demeanor here is often clinical, almost academic in tone, far from the adrenaline-driven ire when expressing his reaction to the near-by oppression that has the potential to include him personally.  Okay, I get it.  While one can easily sympathize with people on the other side of the world, one can only really empathize with others near at hand.  That's only natural.  But philosophically it does beg the question if the anger is righteous in the one regard and not in the other?  And, of course, as we shall examine later, there is also the question of how much the anger is the result of one's own position in the situation.  So the idea that anger, whether justifiable or not, may always be inappropriate bears strong consideration.

When my wife accused me of being angry and I was trying to tell her that she obviously could not distinguish between me being "angry" and merely "focused," I had to stop and look at things from her point of view.  I had to ask myself, "if 'angry' and 'focused' are indistinguishable from other people's perspective, is there really a distinction?"  And, when I was honest with myself, the answer was "no."  If the distinction only exists within my own head, then, really, the distinction didn't exist at all.  What we had here wasn't so much a distinction as an excuse.  If the adrenaline is flowing, if the fight-or-flight reaction is kicking in, if the reasonable part of the brain is having trouble staying ahead (or has shut down altogether), then one is angry, no matter what other noun one chooses to use.

One might argue ,"No, Jeff, that's not right!  What you've just described might indeed be anger, but the symptoms are just the same for fear!"  One would be quite correct, and that forms the basis of my epiphany.  I've learned that anger is not, of itself, a real emotion.  It is a cocktail of other emotions; fear with two shots of indignation.  This is key to understanding and controlling one's anger.  As Christians, we already know that both fear and indignation are emotions not in accordance with Christ's teachings.

The Bible mentions fear over 100 times, each time in the negative.  By way of example: "[Jesus said] do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the Kingdom." (Luke12:32)  From a Christian standpoint, fear shows a lack of faith.  In simplified terms, the two greatest fears are irrelevance and death.  As Christians, we know that death has already been conquered, and we also know that, as individuals, we are irrelevant.  With those two fears out of the way, what do we really need fear at all?

As for indignation, well, that's really just our old friend Pride rising up again, isn't it?  Do we really need to go any further on that subject?  I think not.

Thus the spiritual aspects of anger.  There are also the physiological aspects to consider.  Even the freshman student of body chemistry knows that the adrenal glands and cerebellum cannot work at maximum levels simultaneously.  When the heart starts pumping, the blood that would normally go to the brain goes instead to the extremities.  The body readies itself for action, not consideration.  In short, anger makes one stupid.  When one is angry, one cannot rationally arrive at a proper response to the stimulus causing the anger.  Your actions are far more likely to be wrong when you act in anger and, when they happen to be right, its not because you were brilliant, but because you got lucky.

With all the foregoing knowledge at my disposal, I came to realize that, while sometimes negative stimuli do indeed require some sort of action on our part, anger should never be said reaction.  Wishing to correct an injustice is never wrong.  Getting angry about it always is.

Among my readers will be an arm-chair psychologist who will tell me about the dangers of suppressing one's anger.  I am not here suggesting suppression, but control.  Suppression means to hold in one's anger, to refuse to give one's anger a voice; control means to have never grown angry in the first place, thereby needing no expression.

So, how do we prevent ourselves from being angry?  First, we always remember the Three Immutable Facts.  By always remembering the facts of Impermanence, Suffering and Emptiness, we develop a level of Patient Acceptance that simply doesn't allow any space for anger to develop.  This takes years of concentrated effort to achieve (I am personally still working on it).  In the meantime, there are some practical steps we can take to begin to curb our angry outbursts. 

One reason we might become angry is how things change.  Perhaps your partner no longer wishes to pay for a gym membership, or there are new lane closures on your daily commute, or your boss introduces a new departmental policy that you deem unfair.  In all these cases, we have forgotten the Immutable Fact of Impermanence, that all things change and pass away.  This is the nature of the universe.

Another reason we become angry is suffering, our own or of those around us.  Social media excels at stirring our anger by feeding us constant stories about oppression, rebellion, and other salacious headlines designed to make us angry.  Of course, we know from the Immutable Fact of Suffering that it is all just a delusion; while pain is real and alerts us to an need (such as a trip to the medicine cabinet), suffering is a choice.  As noted in the Serenity Prayer, we should change those things we can and accept those things we cannot.  

Probably the most common reason why we get angry is that we find some situation intolerable to ourselves.  Perhaps you believe the other drivers on the expressway need to be more aware of the traffic laws and good old common courtesy.  Or perhaps you think the other drivers need to be a bit more assertive and understand the difficulty of navigating heavy traffic while on a deadline.  Either way, your anger comes from what you perceive as an immediate danger to yourself - namely, a high-speed collision.  You may find that you put up with your lover's idiosyncrasies, refrain from criticizing him/her, and go along with their wishes most of the time.  Yet you still find yourself growing angry from time to time.  You have yet to accept your lover as the full person that he/she is.  In these cases, we must remember the Immutable Fact of Emptiness.  We are responding negatively to something that poses a threat to our image of ourselves, the dignity and respect that we as individuals feel we have earned.  Emptiness reminds us that, as individuals, we do not actually exist, that we are only one part of the earth's ability to create what we have come to term "life."

There are immediate steps we can take when we find ourselves growing angry to calm ourselves and restore our Patient Acceptance of life as it really is.  These steps, one finds, tie in perfectly with those things we are already doing through our breathing and meditation.

(1) Make an inventory of the things that normally make you angry.  This is best done by writing them down.  Applying both mind and hand to something helps store it in one's long-term memory.

(2) For each item on your list, ask yourself what part of that experience frightens you and why.  What part of it makes you indignant, and why?  In all likelihood, this simple exercise will help prevent your growing angry so often in the future.

(3) Make a habit of identifying the warning signs of anger.  Notice when you start breathing heavily, when your heart starts racing, when your adrenaline starts pumping, when your mind starts to cloud.  Train yourself to notice these things immediately, even before you act upon them.

(4) When you begin to feel tense, force yourself to wait 15 seconds before you react (or, more specifically, the duration of six breaths).  During those 15 seconds, focus on your breathing, just as you've been practicing all this time in quiet moments.  With each breath, recite the following lines:

    (a) Breathing in, I feel angry.  Breathing out, I embrace my anger.

    (b) Breathing in, I look at my anger.  Breathing out, I name the fear behind my anger.

    (c) Breathing in, I acknowledge my fear.  Breathing out, I embrace and release my fear.

    (d) Breathing in, I acknowledge my indignation.  Breathing out, I embrace my indignation.

    (e) Breathing in, I know that my indignation is a result of my pride.  Breathing out, I touch my pride. 

    (f) Breathing in, I embrace and release my pride.  Breathing out, I am at peace once again.

Having completed your exercise, start again with whatever you were doing that stimulated your anger.  With practice, you'll find this becomes your automatic reaction, rather than the tirade to which you are accustomed.  And, as a perk, you'll need offer far fewer apologies later!

Pax